Random Thoughts

Every where I turn, my eyes focus into shades of gray. Law of attraction right? My own fault right? The most you squeeze your fist the faster it seems everything slips from your hands. Where is the sleep so desperately desired, shadows caught in the corner of your eyes, tricks of light and loud sounds echo through the brain.

I should already be done with one of my books, I should have already called the local book stores and asked for an appointment to see about getting them stocked on their shelves. Where is the desire behind the madness that is this curse of failure, and the lost or forgotten muse.

For the first time since I walked out those doors of the hospital, I actually thought of putting a gun to my head. Slowly pulling the hammer back and gently squeezing the trigger, yet I cannot stress this enough to my readers, it was not a suicidal thought, it was not a desire to kill myself or any of that. No it was the sensation, the feeling of the bullet slicing through my skull then into my brain. Yes depraved I know, but oddly the first time I've ever thought of such a thing without the intention of death as a result, (I am of course talking back when I was depressed and had a death wish).

The only thing I can reasonably conclude form such a thought, would be to "feel" am I that withdrawn I crave such a powerful form a sensation? Am I that far down that I cannot see the path before me anymore?

I wonder, even with these blogs. my writing has eluded me, will it and can it even still help??

Random maddness

Am I clinging onto an impossible dream? Where my storybook romance is played out where the two lived happily ever after? So many children stories depict almost impossible scenarios. Yet even now twenty seven years grown, I find myself desiring that ending, that 'perfect' sunset. I am tired of the stress, tired of trying to find my place in this universe.

My only outlook now are these keys on this keyboard, the thoughts in my head and the dreams that accompany them. I struggle everyday with the realization that what I say is pointless to the millions of readers out there, that I in fact a fraud when it comes to poetry and literature.



I feel as though my inspiration has been stolen from my grasp, slipped through my fingers like sand. Words of passion that never burned as brightly as they did that day, washed away by the rising tide. I am a man stripped of his most valuable possession, and every time I stand to dust myself off, something has to come by and knock me back down again. When I would write in my journal, I often spoke of knocking at depression's door. Could it have been that I grabbed the handle and opened it a crack?

My Center has been invaded by turbulent emotions, raw desires, and passionate dreams and goals the weight of it all crushing down upon me and my only outlook for all the troubles is slowly starting to fade away....

My Last Tangent

"In the absence of hope breeds despair.
In the absence of love breeds distrust.

In the absence of life, there becomes no reason for death."

I am finding it ironic that at the start of this new year, I am once again finding myself in front of this wall. 'writers block' not only does this wall stand even taller then I've ever noticed before. The smooth grainy layers of bricks seem to protrude sharp and slick needles. Each syringe holding a toxin of pain, an addiction of temporary relief.

So is this where my path has taken me? down a one road hillside ghost town, The only voices heard are of my own damnation?

I have loved, I have hated, and I have sinned. I have even came close to giving up. Yet through it all 'hope' had never escaped me before, it shown a light through even the darkest of tunnels. Hope pulled me back from the brink many days when I thought all was lost, and that it could not have gotten any worse. It taught me to look forward instead of behind, and even though I was handed a lemon today, tomorrow there was a possibility for a delicious strawberry with my name on it, ripe for the picking. Without hope, without faith. The desire to survive diminishes to the point you wish to just surrender, to the point you have no care left in the world, not for yourself and not for anyone else, even those you love and care for the most.

I fell in love with a woman who I thought beyond all comprehension was my soulmate, that rare gift this universe has to offer in my opinion. We are given this gift of life. Life is no more then moments of experience, weather it is joy, or sorrow those moments and memories are what makes our lives, meaningful. A great man once said, even the best moments in your life could never equal that if you shared them with the person you loved.

This mystery woman had filled my head with treasures not made of gold, but those of dreams, and goals. A conduit of hope.

Then as quick as the snap of lightning, Those dreams shattered like stained glass. It had all been a lie, every fictional word I had hung onto with a gleam in my eye stolen from my very breath.

Oddly enough, the news hit me harder on my creativity then it did my emotional state, I've suffered loss (a great deal of loss) before in the past.

All of the work I put into not letting people inside my head, and somehow she slipped through and did the exact thing I would wish upon no one. Was it all a game to her? I'll never know and again at this point I do not really care.

What has really effected me from this, were the bending and breaking of my own rules. The resentment for allowing someone to do that to me, I've never been one to wear my emotions on my sleeves, for they become a part of my writing, my Inspiration. My hope is fading....

Karma,

You receive what you give. I have really been questioning this for awhile now. With so much negativity in the world it dwarfs the positive, Look closely and you can see it but blink and you will miss it. So much pain and suffering caused by thousands of people around the world, people getting rich off other's misery. Where is this Karma? Are we to believe that mystical forces out there will bring the corrupt to justice? You can scream until your blue in the face that a man is about to face the fire squad for doing no wrong, Yet they will still pull the trigger until someone steps in.

I've decided to make this my last Tangent, due to many reasons really. I feel as though I've said just about all there is I need to say, half the time I feel as though I am a broken record repeating myself over and over again. Not to mention, my Tangents weren't really tangents they were rants about various things that my mind could conjure up. So in my final tangent I will list off a few random things.

President Obama - Smart man, very well spoken. Yet a Puppet like the others, broken promises, follow the money and last but not least leading us into fascist Communism

Health Care - total disaster, will destroy our economy even worse.

Marijuana - Legalize, Legalize, Legalize. I can give you a million reasons why it should and debunk all the negative propaganda.

Economy - Stop printing monopoly money and spending it like its highway robbery.

That's all I can think of right now. I may decide one day to come out with one more Tangent, but don't look forward to it, I've been doing a lot of soul searching and brainstorming about the direction I wish to go with my writing, I will try and keep everyone who reads this updated on that.