Random Thoughts

Every where I turn, my eyes focus into shades of gray. Law of attraction right? My own fault right? The most you squeeze your fist the faster it seems everything slips from your hands. Where is the sleep so desperately desired, shadows caught in the corner of your eyes, tricks of light and loud sounds echo through the brain.

I should already be done with one of my books, I should have already called the local book stores and asked for an appointment to see about getting them stocked on their shelves. Where is the desire behind the madness that is this curse of failure, and the lost or forgotten muse.

For the first time since I walked out those doors of the hospital, I actually thought of putting a gun to my head. Slowly pulling the hammer back and gently squeezing the trigger, yet I cannot stress this enough to my readers, it was not a suicidal thought, it was not a desire to kill myself or any of that. No it was the sensation, the feeling of the bullet slicing through my skull then into my brain. Yes depraved I know, but oddly the first time I've ever thought of such a thing without the intention of death as a result, (I am of course talking back when I was depressed and had a death wish).

The only thing I can reasonably conclude form such a thought, would be to "feel" am I that withdrawn I crave such a powerful form a sensation? Am I that far down that I cannot see the path before me anymore?

I wonder, even with these blogs. my writing has eluded me, will it and can it even still help??