Psycho-Confessions: The Emotion of Love

Exclusive excerpt from my up coming Book Psycho-Confessions



The Emotion of Love, and the nature of its power
By: Matthew Wayne


“So many sacrifices made, in this quest for love
from the pits of hell, I watched as my angel soared above”

How can one properly describe, or even explain the true impact this one emotion has over our lives, down to the very pits of despair to the beautiful stars that light up our night's sky. Without love you become hallow, numb and dead to everyone you ever will come in contact with. Love would be one of the single most reasons why we continue to thrive, to struggle on through the marshes. To go through hell just to save that one you love. Many people see love as being the meaning of life, to live is to love they would argue. Yet not everyone has the pleasure to experience such a powerful conviction in one's life. Spending their whole lives in search of this sacred relic. Then there are those who have loved, and who have lost, only to see it slip through their fingers like sand, each grain a memory into a past moment of time.
However this emotion has effected you in your life, one must not forget its power it holds over our many other emotions and desires, It can inspire the most amazing feelings and a second later the most dreaded thoughts. It stands above all our other feelings for it can incite nearly all the other's even hate, even hope. It can destroy friendships in a single wave, while saving another from a lifetime of solitude and misery.

“For they do not know the true effects this emotion has over me, I am and will always be a man who craves this one desire and emotion, this love and passion. I need it more then I need the blood coursing through my body. For without love this world is cold, gray, and empty. The love in which I seek has lead me down a path of heart breaks. For I once Saw an Angel, For I once saw a goddess and they smiled upon me with open arms. Only to watch them vanish before my eyes, leaving me once again alone, in the cold. Love is a dream, whether real or an illusion its one you never have to wake from. So I find myself back at where I had started, on this path, this quest. For love will always be the key, that set's my trapped heart free.”

“A Rose in Winter”

She reminds me of the beauty that can still be found in this hollowed out society, morality tossed away for cheap thrills moments of meaningless pleasure. Yet to find this rose, this beauty you must look far and wide in the darkest of rooms, past the stones that make up the walls that were built by pain and torment. I've told her many times yet feel as though they land on deaf ears, as though she never heard me. Can she truly understand how much truer words were never spoken. “Through her, I find reason through insanity” I can breath once again and feel the air pass into my lungs, My world became alive. Yet through all the warnings she pushes back, pushes away. Fear? Stress? Or perhaps simply does not realize it. One moment I am staring into her eyes, the next I am seeing an all to familiar reflection, an invisible wall, It's always the small things at first. Secrets not shared, Conversations that seem to disappear with the fleeting physical desires and the look in her eyes that always suggest something is wrong, yet the words never escape her lips. Even a rose in winter, needs love, needs to be watered and nourished, for if the rose wilts and dies, will I once more be abandoned to the harsh winter? Would she remember me, ever meaning more to her as I felt I did?

“So many who have loved, lost
and so many still pay the ultimate cost
I have walked this ground alone for so many years
carrying a broken heart, still tasting the tears
We all continue to run, while this earth crawls
forgetting to slow down, before we trip and fall”


“Lost Love”

Ever loved someone so much that you wanted nothing more then for their world to become one with yours? Their whole existence becomes your mission to make better? To give all your worth to? When you love someone that much no matter how hard to try and fight it, or struggle against it you realize how dependent you are to them. There is a very thin line between partnership and possessive, yet when you can think with a clear head that line can become clear and visible. If you are lucky enough to find this treasure, this love hold on for all your worth, never over look the gift. Do not let the passion die, for a simple brush off only furthers the distance and strengthens the lack of communication. To watch the one you love slowly slip through your finger is like watching a nightmare unfold before your very eyes, the horror sequence being played out is the loss of your best friend, the loss of another soul mate. For when you bond with another, your lives become entwined.
'two minds one heart'
For if you let it slip away, you will live within the nightmare of “what ifs”, what if I had done this differently. What if I had said this instead of this. If you truly loved that person so deeply, so passionately you will never forget them, never forget their faces. No matter how hard you try and push the thoughts and those memories in the back of your mind, they will linger. They will bring you fleeting seconds of happiness and sadness.

I remember reading somewhere “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”. For many years I questioned this, would I have never loved at all, then to suffer an eternal nightmare of a historic mistake or regret? Knowing it was my own fault for destroying the one thing in life that meant most to me? Or possibly their mistake or regret that to have walked out that door.
For the record no matter what anyone tells me I would not have gave it up for anything in the universe, I would have rather had just one second of knowing what true love felt like then never having felt what love actually means.

You recognize this emotion, you know love when your heart skips a beat just because she would whisper into your ear that she loves you, or a sudden glance as she passes by, glancing up into her beautiful eyes and for a brief second know that she's only thinking about you and nothing else in this world.
I knew love when I could close my eyes and see an angel in the flesh, no wings or a golden halo but breathing and smiling and laughing. Even when a dark storm would pass over head, and the rain falls hard and yet you do not care your expensive outfit is getting ruined. You know love, when you know how to love yourself and realize that material objects are just trinkets and that life before you is eternal. Whether you believe in Religion or afterlife, this universe wastes nothing and memories are the true treasures of life. Moments of time caught within the film of life. You cannot buy love, yes you can buy happiness but not pure love, you cannot take it. Its earned and gained, given by the other, by your lover.

When your thoughts always find their way to that person, When your dreams somehow reminds you of them. When you make it a personal goal to put a smile on their face, even if you feel the lowest on the earth. When destiny becomes a design of your own creation, Never forget that which is the power of passion,

Even now as the snow slowly drops, I look out my widow and reflect on my past, all the mistakes, all the wonders and joys. I have loved, and I have lost and I still refuse to give in. I have stared into the abyss of solitude, stood toe to toe with temptation and gambled with the devil. I still tread on, walking the path in towards my garden, towards my once more mysterious goddess. When a universe is built on opposites, on attractions, There is someone out there for everyone, and while there will always be dark days and dark storms, for any committed relationship if your willing to extend your arm, and reach out. You will never have to walk that dark road alone, and just maybe they might have an umbrella with them.

“Angels, What are angels? Are they higher beings, do they wear wings?
Do they wear a halo? I swear when I looked into your eyes I saw you glow”



“Rose”

“To pick a leaf from my peddle
to make your day bright and settle,
The sun shines so bright and high
the sent from my rose shall never lie,

Pick a leaf from my peddle
and give me to someone special
to brighten up their day
so when the words are at loss to say
they will bloom in the summer's light
like gold sparkling in winter's night.”

Time Changes All

"I watched as the icon fell,
during that solemn hour breathing felt like hell
helpless to stop the events in motion
hopeless to stop the surge of emotions
Screams of desperation, tears of separation
reaching out for an unfamiliar hand
offering hope to those who still can stand
grieving over such a loss, giving to all those who have lost"


There was once a time, when my passion for writing was so strong I could taste it in my mouth like salt. There was once a time I would have been the first to jump up in a crowded room where everyone else would idly sit on their hands.
I would fire up debates on how the Drug prohibition was unconstitutional, or the millions of people who are blinded by the fancy talk of our politicians yet to dumb or ignorant to actually watch what their political leaders would vote for or against. there was once a time when I would get disgusted at the amount of corruption seeping into our once great republic.

I have often wrote about how it felt like I had lived more then one lifetime in this body, this mind. How day and night would mesh together into an ugly portrait of my life. The burdens we carry every day only seem to get heavier as we march on, and as each step we take towards that light at the end of this tunnel it only seems to keep going on for miles and miles.


Nothing in my life seems to make any sense anymore, headaches that last for days on end, stiff muscles make it hard to even move and all my mind can seem to focus on is of a future, a dream that sometimes feels like an impossible feat. I awake to the same four walls staring back at me and again I feel as though I'm trapped within a cage of desolation. I sit on the edge of my bed and put a smile on my face, not for me but rather for those who are around me. I can feel the once dreaded depression knocking just on the other side of my soul, feeding off the discontent. Everyday it becomes an even harder struggle to not scream, to not pull my hair from its roots, pleading with anyone who would listen to lighten this load. Yet I know my cries will go unheard.

Giving up seems so easy, but I also know if I give up, not only will the misery take over but more than that, if I give up I let those who I care about most down. Some rock I turned out to be, hollow on the inside and cracked from the pressure. For the most part the strength I find to make it through the day ironically is found within the eyes of another.



Where has my passion gone?

Where is my path along this rocky road?

Where is that garden full of flowers to brighten this day?

and where has the time gone, to set all the wrongs right?

The Little Things We Over Look

"The Path to God is not found within a church,

or through that cross you bare around your neck.

It is to be found within us all,

our souls are the conduit to the unknown, The map to the stars."

You cannot turn on the television without being saturated with death, or rather that of violence. As I watch I maybe catch a few minutes here and there of something decent, someone doing something good in this world yet no sooner does it end more of the violence more of the same. It is no wonder crime is up, its no wonder law enforcement is growing as well and without a growing economy people will become more and more desperate to put food on the table for their families and for themselves. With unemployment soaring, more housing foreclosures, and a government that continues to turn a deaf ear to the public outcries I can only foresee things getting worse, like any bubble that continues to expand there is a structural limit the bubble cannot withstand. Soon that bubble will pop, The question is how bad are we going to let it get before we let some of that pressure out? and minimize that "pop".

I however digress, my rant here is not about what we all see happening, yet to afraid to speak out against it. No my post here today is about the little things we often over look. Colors, Words, Gestures. The smiles from a passing stranger or even the smile of a good friend. In a time when the world seems to be falling apart, people have to turn to the little things to try and get by.

'When the Giant starts buckling. your small world becomes insignificant'

Giving up seems easy to an impossible task. Where failure is no longer an option, No where to go and a harsh urban jungle whispers to you in your ears. Your children staring up at you, not even old enough to understand the true ramifications of you being laid off form your job. Sure you could draw unemployment, maybe last a month or two at best before you become ridiculously in dept. Your options like a watering hole in the desert are drying up and fast.

Trinkets and lockets, become treasures. Jewelry that brings a smile to your face and a few seconds of happiness then later pawned to put bread on the table. Quietly you slide off to find you some peace where you try and relax knowing you have food for now.

When you are bombarded day and night with nightmares and horrors, to escape becomes a luxury only few find. Drugs legal or illegal often play a part, some find comfort with their thoughts, their memories. For they become a gallery of time frozen in place, and set in stone. Whatever their method of escape becomes, for a moment they find their center, their paradise.

With so many people simply turning their heads, casting a blind eye to the cruelty of this world all the misery will never subside. As the world continues to spin, and the desperation mounts it will become the little things in life that will give you the strength to continue on. To wake up the next morning with a smile on your face, for when you remember you don't have to walk this path alone all the time. It makes the fight that more bearable..