'The End'

I have decided that this will be my final post in this blog, but for those who do still lurk and keep a ever casual eye towards my posts will be able to find me at Facebook http://www.facebook.com/DamienHaze, until at which time I either break down and create another more useful blog, or get a webpage up and running. we will see which happens first

Update

I am still alive, still breathing and still working hard on my book.
It seems though I still lack the motivation to update my blog here. I have posted new things yet only on my myspace blog. (convience factor) hopefully however that will change rather soon :)
Expect big things coming up...

Psycho-Confessions - "An Inchoerent Tangent"

It has been awhile since I updated my blog, I have been busy at work on my book and to celebrate touching the half way point I've decided to post another excerpt from the book.

~~)(~~

'An incoherent Tangent'

1.

Humanity is doomed to fail, our sins are catching up with us and fast. We have disregarded everyone around us as lesser then ourselves. Trivial in your eyes as you go about your day. However in that, placing yourself over another you fail to look openly and objectively. That perhaps that person you mentally demeaned will face many of the same choices, trials and hardships you yourself have or will have to face.

“Take a walk within my shoes, and I shall show you my trials and tribulations”
So much pain and suffering is caused by the ignorance that is our misunderstanding of another, our blatant disregard or disrespect of that individual. Not everyone sees the common connection we all share, We are all brothers, and sisters and not through the biblical teachings, but rather through the understanding that we are of the same race, same species. Humans inhabiting a small blue planet, in a juggle of darkness. If we continue down this path of destruction we too will be put on an endangered species list.
It almost seems impossible as six billion or more inhabit this planet, yet we continue to kill and wages wars, murder in the name of religion or nation building and once again forgetting or ignoring the purple elephant in the room which is we all bleed, we all hurt and we all love. Separated by cultural differences.

2.

We are all related, on the quantum level. Our universe, the bodies and everything around us is made up of atoms and molecules. A connection that exists, but not for the naked eye to see. A greater picture to be held, we are gods to our own universe. The perception of reality in which we can change at will. What we desire, we can ultimately manifest. The only thing that can stop it is ourselves.

What is our spirit? Our living consciousness? Hidden to our view is the knowledge that our bodies generate invisible waves, currents in an ever changing ocean of tidal waves. Energy in it's purest form, innocent yet chaotic is it's nature.

What is death? The continuous cycle of life and death, and the greatest mystery to man. Entire religions created out of this question. Possibly based on fear, the fear of the unknown. Fear of the loss of control, A person spends their entire life with the idea they have control over their lives, So why not an afterlife.
The Answer to death, is to live. For in that lies our true gift, to experience what it means to be alive, to breath the air, to taste and to touch, to understand all the possibilities this life has to offer, good or bad. Its what we make it.
When we die, will all the answer be revealed? The secrets to the universe explained? As I have mentioned many times before, that only those who have gone before us truly knows the answers.

3.

“Shadow's dance about the walls, and where things were once insignificant are now important. Lessons that were once instilled and remembered, now decayed and protected by ignorance. Debates shot down as soon as we peer into the archives. Even now to few remember, to many are still blinded by the fancy light and smooth words. Hunters who prey upon the weak minded, easy fooled, or light hearted. Deceived they simply become tools for their inventors, being sent on what they believe as their crusade. Holy within their thoughts, they do no wrong, and forgiven by their own stupidity. The innocents lost by that war simply became casualties by nature.”

4.

“unforgivable sins, measured by the unforgiving crowd. A civilization on the surface, a two faced populace. Come sit in the pew, worship your god and be forgiven. Come the next day and your a born again sinner, hiding under the flesh, a spirit that is no test. An unforgivable reminder that your only human, only mortal. Stricken with unlimited beauty and disgust.”


“Like the story of eve,
only it's not the apple that is the deceit
It's the forbidden knowledge and feelings I seek”

Psycho-Confessions: The Emotion of Love

Exclusive excerpt from my up coming Book Psycho-Confessions



The Emotion of Love, and the nature of its power
By: Matthew Wayne


“So many sacrifices made, in this quest for love
from the pits of hell, I watched as my angel soared above”

How can one properly describe, or even explain the true impact this one emotion has over our lives, down to the very pits of despair to the beautiful stars that light up our night's sky. Without love you become hallow, numb and dead to everyone you ever will come in contact with. Love would be one of the single most reasons why we continue to thrive, to struggle on through the marshes. To go through hell just to save that one you love. Many people see love as being the meaning of life, to live is to love they would argue. Yet not everyone has the pleasure to experience such a powerful conviction in one's life. Spending their whole lives in search of this sacred relic. Then there are those who have loved, and who have lost, only to see it slip through their fingers like sand, each grain a memory into a past moment of time.
However this emotion has effected you in your life, one must not forget its power it holds over our many other emotions and desires, It can inspire the most amazing feelings and a second later the most dreaded thoughts. It stands above all our other feelings for it can incite nearly all the other's even hate, even hope. It can destroy friendships in a single wave, while saving another from a lifetime of solitude and misery.

“For they do not know the true effects this emotion has over me, I am and will always be a man who craves this one desire and emotion, this love and passion. I need it more then I need the blood coursing through my body. For without love this world is cold, gray, and empty. The love in which I seek has lead me down a path of heart breaks. For I once Saw an Angel, For I once saw a goddess and they smiled upon me with open arms. Only to watch them vanish before my eyes, leaving me once again alone, in the cold. Love is a dream, whether real or an illusion its one you never have to wake from. So I find myself back at where I had started, on this path, this quest. For love will always be the key, that set's my trapped heart free.”

“A Rose in Winter”

She reminds me of the beauty that can still be found in this hollowed out society, morality tossed away for cheap thrills moments of meaningless pleasure. Yet to find this rose, this beauty you must look far and wide in the darkest of rooms, past the stones that make up the walls that were built by pain and torment. I've told her many times yet feel as though they land on deaf ears, as though she never heard me. Can she truly understand how much truer words were never spoken. “Through her, I find reason through insanity” I can breath once again and feel the air pass into my lungs, My world became alive. Yet through all the warnings she pushes back, pushes away. Fear? Stress? Or perhaps simply does not realize it. One moment I am staring into her eyes, the next I am seeing an all to familiar reflection, an invisible wall, It's always the small things at first. Secrets not shared, Conversations that seem to disappear with the fleeting physical desires and the look in her eyes that always suggest something is wrong, yet the words never escape her lips. Even a rose in winter, needs love, needs to be watered and nourished, for if the rose wilts and dies, will I once more be abandoned to the harsh winter? Would she remember me, ever meaning more to her as I felt I did?

“So many who have loved, lost
and so many still pay the ultimate cost
I have walked this ground alone for so many years
carrying a broken heart, still tasting the tears
We all continue to run, while this earth crawls
forgetting to slow down, before we trip and fall”


“Lost Love”

Ever loved someone so much that you wanted nothing more then for their world to become one with yours? Their whole existence becomes your mission to make better? To give all your worth to? When you love someone that much no matter how hard to try and fight it, or struggle against it you realize how dependent you are to them. There is a very thin line between partnership and possessive, yet when you can think with a clear head that line can become clear and visible. If you are lucky enough to find this treasure, this love hold on for all your worth, never over look the gift. Do not let the passion die, for a simple brush off only furthers the distance and strengthens the lack of communication. To watch the one you love slowly slip through your finger is like watching a nightmare unfold before your very eyes, the horror sequence being played out is the loss of your best friend, the loss of another soul mate. For when you bond with another, your lives become entwined.
'two minds one heart'
For if you let it slip away, you will live within the nightmare of “what ifs”, what if I had done this differently. What if I had said this instead of this. If you truly loved that person so deeply, so passionately you will never forget them, never forget their faces. No matter how hard you try and push the thoughts and those memories in the back of your mind, they will linger. They will bring you fleeting seconds of happiness and sadness.

I remember reading somewhere “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”. For many years I questioned this, would I have never loved at all, then to suffer an eternal nightmare of a historic mistake or regret? Knowing it was my own fault for destroying the one thing in life that meant most to me? Or possibly their mistake or regret that to have walked out that door.
For the record no matter what anyone tells me I would not have gave it up for anything in the universe, I would have rather had just one second of knowing what true love felt like then never having felt what love actually means.

You recognize this emotion, you know love when your heart skips a beat just because she would whisper into your ear that she loves you, or a sudden glance as she passes by, glancing up into her beautiful eyes and for a brief second know that she's only thinking about you and nothing else in this world.
I knew love when I could close my eyes and see an angel in the flesh, no wings or a golden halo but breathing and smiling and laughing. Even when a dark storm would pass over head, and the rain falls hard and yet you do not care your expensive outfit is getting ruined. You know love, when you know how to love yourself and realize that material objects are just trinkets and that life before you is eternal. Whether you believe in Religion or afterlife, this universe wastes nothing and memories are the true treasures of life. Moments of time caught within the film of life. You cannot buy love, yes you can buy happiness but not pure love, you cannot take it. Its earned and gained, given by the other, by your lover.

When your thoughts always find their way to that person, When your dreams somehow reminds you of them. When you make it a personal goal to put a smile on their face, even if you feel the lowest on the earth. When destiny becomes a design of your own creation, Never forget that which is the power of passion,

Even now as the snow slowly drops, I look out my widow and reflect on my past, all the mistakes, all the wonders and joys. I have loved, and I have lost and I still refuse to give in. I have stared into the abyss of solitude, stood toe to toe with temptation and gambled with the devil. I still tread on, walking the path in towards my garden, towards my once more mysterious goddess. When a universe is built on opposites, on attractions, There is someone out there for everyone, and while there will always be dark days and dark storms, for any committed relationship if your willing to extend your arm, and reach out. You will never have to walk that dark road alone, and just maybe they might have an umbrella with them.

“Angels, What are angels? Are they higher beings, do they wear wings?
Do they wear a halo? I swear when I looked into your eyes I saw you glow”



“Rose”

“To pick a leaf from my peddle
to make your day bright and settle,
The sun shines so bright and high
the sent from my rose shall never lie,

Pick a leaf from my peddle
and give me to someone special
to brighten up their day
so when the words are at loss to say
they will bloom in the summer's light
like gold sparkling in winter's night.”

Time Changes All

"I watched as the icon fell,
during that solemn hour breathing felt like hell
helpless to stop the events in motion
hopeless to stop the surge of emotions
Screams of desperation, tears of separation
reaching out for an unfamiliar hand
offering hope to those who still can stand
grieving over such a loss, giving to all those who have lost"


There was once a time, when my passion for writing was so strong I could taste it in my mouth like salt. There was once a time I would have been the first to jump up in a crowded room where everyone else would idly sit on their hands.
I would fire up debates on how the Drug prohibition was unconstitutional, or the millions of people who are blinded by the fancy talk of our politicians yet to dumb or ignorant to actually watch what their political leaders would vote for or against. there was once a time when I would get disgusted at the amount of corruption seeping into our once great republic.

I have often wrote about how it felt like I had lived more then one lifetime in this body, this mind. How day and night would mesh together into an ugly portrait of my life. The burdens we carry every day only seem to get heavier as we march on, and as each step we take towards that light at the end of this tunnel it only seems to keep going on for miles and miles.


Nothing in my life seems to make any sense anymore, headaches that last for days on end, stiff muscles make it hard to even move and all my mind can seem to focus on is of a future, a dream that sometimes feels like an impossible feat. I awake to the same four walls staring back at me and again I feel as though I'm trapped within a cage of desolation. I sit on the edge of my bed and put a smile on my face, not for me but rather for those who are around me. I can feel the once dreaded depression knocking just on the other side of my soul, feeding off the discontent. Everyday it becomes an even harder struggle to not scream, to not pull my hair from its roots, pleading with anyone who would listen to lighten this load. Yet I know my cries will go unheard.

Giving up seems so easy, but I also know if I give up, not only will the misery take over but more than that, if I give up I let those who I care about most down. Some rock I turned out to be, hollow on the inside and cracked from the pressure. For the most part the strength I find to make it through the day ironically is found within the eyes of another.



Where has my passion gone?

Where is my path along this rocky road?

Where is that garden full of flowers to brighten this day?

and where has the time gone, to set all the wrongs right?

The Little Things We Over Look

"The Path to God is not found within a church,

or through that cross you bare around your neck.

It is to be found within us all,

our souls are the conduit to the unknown, The map to the stars."

You cannot turn on the television without being saturated with death, or rather that of violence. As I watch I maybe catch a few minutes here and there of something decent, someone doing something good in this world yet no sooner does it end more of the violence more of the same. It is no wonder crime is up, its no wonder law enforcement is growing as well and without a growing economy people will become more and more desperate to put food on the table for their families and for themselves. With unemployment soaring, more housing foreclosures, and a government that continues to turn a deaf ear to the public outcries I can only foresee things getting worse, like any bubble that continues to expand there is a structural limit the bubble cannot withstand. Soon that bubble will pop, The question is how bad are we going to let it get before we let some of that pressure out? and minimize that "pop".

I however digress, my rant here is not about what we all see happening, yet to afraid to speak out against it. No my post here today is about the little things we often over look. Colors, Words, Gestures. The smiles from a passing stranger or even the smile of a good friend. In a time when the world seems to be falling apart, people have to turn to the little things to try and get by.

'When the Giant starts buckling. your small world becomes insignificant'

Giving up seems easy to an impossible task. Where failure is no longer an option, No where to go and a harsh urban jungle whispers to you in your ears. Your children staring up at you, not even old enough to understand the true ramifications of you being laid off form your job. Sure you could draw unemployment, maybe last a month or two at best before you become ridiculously in dept. Your options like a watering hole in the desert are drying up and fast.

Trinkets and lockets, become treasures. Jewelry that brings a smile to your face and a few seconds of happiness then later pawned to put bread on the table. Quietly you slide off to find you some peace where you try and relax knowing you have food for now.

When you are bombarded day and night with nightmares and horrors, to escape becomes a luxury only few find. Drugs legal or illegal often play a part, some find comfort with their thoughts, their memories. For they become a gallery of time frozen in place, and set in stone. Whatever their method of escape becomes, for a moment they find their center, their paradise.

With so many people simply turning their heads, casting a blind eye to the cruelty of this world all the misery will never subside. As the world continues to spin, and the desperation mounts it will become the little things in life that will give you the strength to continue on. To wake up the next morning with a smile on your face, for when you remember you don't have to walk this path alone all the time. It makes the fight that more bearable..

Random Thoughts

Every where I turn, my eyes focus into shades of gray. Law of attraction right? My own fault right? The most you squeeze your fist the faster it seems everything slips from your hands. Where is the sleep so desperately desired, shadows caught in the corner of your eyes, tricks of light and loud sounds echo through the brain.

I should already be done with one of my books, I should have already called the local book stores and asked for an appointment to see about getting them stocked on their shelves. Where is the desire behind the madness that is this curse of failure, and the lost or forgotten muse.

For the first time since I walked out those doors of the hospital, I actually thought of putting a gun to my head. Slowly pulling the hammer back and gently squeezing the trigger, yet I cannot stress this enough to my readers, it was not a suicidal thought, it was not a desire to kill myself or any of that. No it was the sensation, the feeling of the bullet slicing through my skull then into my brain. Yes depraved I know, but oddly the first time I've ever thought of such a thing without the intention of death as a result, (I am of course talking back when I was depressed and had a death wish).

The only thing I can reasonably conclude form such a thought, would be to "feel" am I that withdrawn I crave such a powerful form a sensation? Am I that far down that I cannot see the path before me anymore?

I wonder, even with these blogs. my writing has eluded me, will it and can it even still help??

Random maddness

Am I clinging onto an impossible dream? Where my storybook romance is played out where the two lived happily ever after? So many children stories depict almost impossible scenarios. Yet even now twenty seven years grown, I find myself desiring that ending, that 'perfect' sunset. I am tired of the stress, tired of trying to find my place in this universe.

My only outlook now are these keys on this keyboard, the thoughts in my head and the dreams that accompany them. I struggle everyday with the realization that what I say is pointless to the millions of readers out there, that I in fact a fraud when it comes to poetry and literature.



I feel as though my inspiration has been stolen from my grasp, slipped through my fingers like sand. Words of passion that never burned as brightly as they did that day, washed away by the rising tide. I am a man stripped of his most valuable possession, and every time I stand to dust myself off, something has to come by and knock me back down again. When I would write in my journal, I often spoke of knocking at depression's door. Could it have been that I grabbed the handle and opened it a crack?

My Center has been invaded by turbulent emotions, raw desires, and passionate dreams and goals the weight of it all crushing down upon me and my only outlook for all the troubles is slowly starting to fade away....

My Last Tangent

"In the absence of hope breeds despair.
In the absence of love breeds distrust.

In the absence of life, there becomes no reason for death."

I am finding it ironic that at the start of this new year, I am once again finding myself in front of this wall. 'writers block' not only does this wall stand even taller then I've ever noticed before. The smooth grainy layers of bricks seem to protrude sharp and slick needles. Each syringe holding a toxin of pain, an addiction of temporary relief.

So is this where my path has taken me? down a one road hillside ghost town, The only voices heard are of my own damnation?

I have loved, I have hated, and I have sinned. I have even came close to giving up. Yet through it all 'hope' had never escaped me before, it shown a light through even the darkest of tunnels. Hope pulled me back from the brink many days when I thought all was lost, and that it could not have gotten any worse. It taught me to look forward instead of behind, and even though I was handed a lemon today, tomorrow there was a possibility for a delicious strawberry with my name on it, ripe for the picking. Without hope, without faith. The desire to survive diminishes to the point you wish to just surrender, to the point you have no care left in the world, not for yourself and not for anyone else, even those you love and care for the most.

I fell in love with a woman who I thought beyond all comprehension was my soulmate, that rare gift this universe has to offer in my opinion. We are given this gift of life. Life is no more then moments of experience, weather it is joy, or sorrow those moments and memories are what makes our lives, meaningful. A great man once said, even the best moments in your life could never equal that if you shared them with the person you loved.

This mystery woman had filled my head with treasures not made of gold, but those of dreams, and goals. A conduit of hope.

Then as quick as the snap of lightning, Those dreams shattered like stained glass. It had all been a lie, every fictional word I had hung onto with a gleam in my eye stolen from my very breath.

Oddly enough, the news hit me harder on my creativity then it did my emotional state, I've suffered loss (a great deal of loss) before in the past.

All of the work I put into not letting people inside my head, and somehow she slipped through and did the exact thing I would wish upon no one. Was it all a game to her? I'll never know and again at this point I do not really care.

What has really effected me from this, were the bending and breaking of my own rules. The resentment for allowing someone to do that to me, I've never been one to wear my emotions on my sleeves, for they become a part of my writing, my Inspiration. My hope is fading....

Karma,

You receive what you give. I have really been questioning this for awhile now. With so much negativity in the world it dwarfs the positive, Look closely and you can see it but blink and you will miss it. So much pain and suffering caused by thousands of people around the world, people getting rich off other's misery. Where is this Karma? Are we to believe that mystical forces out there will bring the corrupt to justice? You can scream until your blue in the face that a man is about to face the fire squad for doing no wrong, Yet they will still pull the trigger until someone steps in.

I've decided to make this my last Tangent, due to many reasons really. I feel as though I've said just about all there is I need to say, half the time I feel as though I am a broken record repeating myself over and over again. Not to mention, my Tangents weren't really tangents they were rants about various things that my mind could conjure up. So in my final tangent I will list off a few random things.

President Obama - Smart man, very well spoken. Yet a Puppet like the others, broken promises, follow the money and last but not least leading us into fascist Communism

Health Care - total disaster, will destroy our economy even worse.

Marijuana - Legalize, Legalize, Legalize. I can give you a million reasons why it should and debunk all the negative propaganda.

Economy - Stop printing monopoly money and spending it like its highway robbery.

That's all I can think of right now. I may decide one day to come out with one more Tangent, but don't look forward to it, I've been doing a lot of soul searching and brainstorming about the direction I wish to go with my writing, I will try and keep everyone who reads this updated on that.